Returning Light

I always aspired to be a Rockstar. I read book after book on the likes of The Who, The Rolling Stones, Bowie and Jimi Hendrix. All their tales about wrecking hotel rooms, taking drugs, passing out on stage and women. I was more caught up in making good stories than I was writing good songs. I don’t remember being 14 and having any relevant heroes that were teetotal like there are nowadays. It was The Killers, Kings of Leon and The Libertines. Cocaine and heroin addicts, engaged to supermodels, selling out shows everywhere and constantly in the papers. I hate to have to quote Bono but he’s right “there must be something really lacking in someone who has to have thousands of people screaming their name every night.” I definitely started playing guitar and singing for attention. It would be more noble to say something like “I was just in it for the music,” but I wasn’t. I’m still doing it now and its undoubtedly for the love of doing it but up until a couple of years ago it was all about being hot shit.

I was relatively successful with a band called Mojo GoGo. We toured all over Ireland, did some shows in Holland, headlined two festivals in Germany, played 7 shows in 5 nights in Lanzarote and played 7 nights in different clubs across Toronto. One of the shows we headlined in Toronto was Richard Branson’s Virgin Mod Club. It was that night, in that club that I was blown away by what we’d achieved. Hearing people singing back lyrics to a song I’d written on the edge of my bed. I literally just came up with some lyrics, wrote the chords and structure, took it to the band, they added their magic and it was a song. It blew me away to think that 12-15 songs we’d written in bedrooms and cold sheds had us now in Richards Branson’s club in Toronto. It was also that night that I knew the band was over. It couldn’t get any bigger and I wasn’t willing to come back to Ireland and struggle anymore. We were posting on Facebook about all the big festivals we were playing but they were poor slots on small stages, early in the day when no-one was there. Posting about the foreign gigs we were playing, and the sellout shows back home, but we weren’t posting about the gigs we travelled 5 hours to play to no-one and come home out of pocket. There were more gigs like that than there were good gigs. That never really got us down because we believed that you got out what you put in, so we gave it everything and, in some ways, we really did succeed. Not to the level we imagined but still we did pretty well. We got to see some of the world, met some great people and wrote some great songs that people still listen to so there’s a lot to be proud of. We got ripped off by managers, promoters, bar owners and festival organisers and that can really bum you out. Seeing other artists who weren’t putting half the work in as we were, getting better gigs because of who they knew really got us wound up. Call it bitterness or whatever but I guess we felt hard done by sometimes.

My experience with the Irish Music Industry is that there’s just so much talent in such a small country and that makes it hard to stand out and make money. Bands are always undercutting each other and because you’re playing original music that people won’t know, publicans don’t want to take the risk and be out money. Most original artists just want a platform and the chance for their songs to be heard. It’s a silly complaint… “There’s too much talent in this country!” But it’s true. There were two countries we visited, and we were treated like royalty. I mean flights, accommodation, picked up and dropped off at the airport, free food, booze and a substantial payment after the shows. We discovered that some of the other acts we were playing with weren’t that good hence why they were flying Irish artists out to play. We really stood out because we were trying so hard in Ireland to have the look, the sound, the presence, the songs and the performance. It’s good to be around so much talent. It makes you better, hungrier and keeps you on your toes.

I started having trouble breathing at intervals. I was convinced my throat was closing up, my vision was going blurry and I developed a cough. I couldn’t finish a sentence without coughing. My lungs were checked. All good. Tried cough syrup, no difference. I was told to exercise, stop drinking, quit drugs and take a tablet called Sertraline. After Googling Sertraline, I discovered it was used for people who suffer from anxiety and depression. I had been experiencing drug induced panic attacks. Alcohol withdrawal always set me off badly, it was just a constant feeling of being uncomfortable. I never got stage fright. I always felt completely comfortable on stage because I knew exactly what I had to do but it was all the in between. The partying had caught up on me. My serotonin levels had been compromised. It was explained to me that we have a pleasure gauge and it goes to ten. Ten is a moment in which you just couldn’t be happier in; at your favourite artist’s gig, sex, falling in love, Ireland winning at anything, but then when you take something like ecstasy, you hit a feeling of fifteen. So, things that were a ten now become like a six and you’re always trying to feel that fifteen again. Happiness is harder to find. Taking drugs cuts off the dopamine and serotonin glands which naturally produce good feelings and when the drug wears off, there’s the horrible come down. You crash land because there’s no safety net of natural good feelings. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression and the only times I didn’t feel anxious is when I hit a really bad stage of depression. When you’re absolutely wiped out of energy. It feels like, for me anyway, that someone just wrung me out like a sponge and any goodness is gone. I feel like my face is sunken and grey. I heard of a saying that sometimes the mind, when anxious and or depressed, can be like white mice scurrying around in your head and you can’t get any peace. I find mine more like a blender, with thoughts flying around at god knows what speed. Or having your right foot on the throttle and your left foot on the clutch. Lots of noise and not getting anywhere. I’ve been told my depression and anxiety could certainly have been caused by the drinking and drugs I devoured when I was trying to be a Rockstar. No-one really knows but it’s something I’ve to deal with. Apparently, artists need pain like this to create art. But how much is someone really willing to suffer just to create something? Is it worth the only chance you have at life? I don’t touch drugs at all anymore and I’m struggling always to completely abstain from alcohol because the lifestyle I have. I spend most weekends in bars surrounded by drunk people making loud noises. If you can’t beat them, join them I suppose. It’s tough sometimes being a musician. Travelling on your own back from gigs late at night. Maybe you had a bad gig because there was no-one there and you had trouble getting paid or worse…a Hen Party! It’s a demanding job but it’s also very rewarding.

From my own experience I cannot really fault the Donegal Mental Health Services. I’ve always found help almost immediately when I’ve needed it. I don’t think it’s fair to write it off. I’ve been at several Counsellors, Psychiatrists, Psychologists and Cognitive Behavioural Therapists. Some I have found anti-progressive, saying things like “you haven’t fucked up your life bad enough yet to give up drinking“. I won’t go into the trouble I’ve gotten myself into through drink as this was to be a short piece and it’s ended up much longer than I expected! But I was there because I didn’t want it to get any worse than it was. There’s so many mental health professionals out there that it can take a while to find the right one, but you will. Don’t ever throw in the towel after just a couple of sessions. It’s like going to the gym, the more you go and the more work you put in, the quicker you get stronger. In this case mentally. Go for walks, exercise, read good books. Make time to be happy alone. Bruce Springsteen said, “It’s a sad man that lives in his own skin and can’t stand the company.” Talk to your GP. Never underplay your feelings, troubles or symptoms. Help is there. Mental health is becoming more recognised with much help and thanks to everyone involved in charities and events like Returning Light. Through their fundraising and awareness raising, people are seeking help and getting the help they need and deserve.

We’d like to thank Niki Pollock for this powerful insight into his struggles with Mental Health in the Music Industry. 

If you or anyone you know is suffering from Mental Health issues don’t be afraid to contact local services such as Donegal Family Resourse Centre 0749725337 or Let’s Talk Counselling Service 0876884953 OR National Services Aware 1800 80 48 48 or Pieta House Freecall 1800 247 247

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