Returning Light

I grew up in a very creative household; both of my parents studied Film and Television in IADT in Dun Laoghaire (which is where they met) and now my dad makes documentaries for television and is working on his first feature film for cinema release, and my mum directs, produces and presents radio documentaries. So, from as far back as I can remember, myself and my two younger brothers were always encouraged to be creative.  Every Saturday night, since we were kids, the five of us would have ‘movie night’ were we would make homemade pizzas and sit and watch a really good film together. Even now that I’m living in Dublin, I love when I get the opportunity to come home and join in on movie night!

I was about 10 when I first showed an interest in photography, and picked up one of the cameras in our house and began to shoot anything and everything around the house. And of course, I was absolutely rubbish at it, I was for a long time. There definitely exists a sense of having a natural aptitude towards some things over others, but I think that talent evolves from working very hard at what it is you’re passionate about. I was very lucky that I was always told that I could be whatever I wanted to be, and when I picked up a camera and started shooting, I really fell in love with creating images. Then, when I was about 13, a Director of Photography who works with my dad gave me his Canon 60D, and I have never stopped taking photographs, or thinking about photography, since then.

Though I was pretty academic, I never liked school; actually, I absolutely hated it. The only year of my school life I really enjoyed was Transition Year, because it gave me the opportunity to start working on my portfolio and be creative, and because that was the year that I made most of the closest friendships with great friends that I still have today. School always made me extremely anxious, and I used to wake up almost every morning with a feeling of dread and worry. It wasn’t exams or school work that made me anxious, I just didn’t have a good time at school for the majority of the years that I spent there, to the point where I really found it hard to get up in the morning and be in school for the whole day.

It’s strange for me to be writing this down now because I was never really vocal with many people about these feelings that I experienced, apart from a few people I was close to. I guess it’s just difficult for me to admit that I had a hard time in school, because most people look back on their school years as some of the most fun and memorable years of their lives, but I never had that. The school environment was always something I desperately looked forward to getting away from, because during those years, in hindsight, I really didn’t feel very good about myself, or happy, on the whole. I guess at the time though I was always in denial and just brushed these feelings off instead of dealing with them, and though I was aware at the time of the various mental health services available in Donegal, I never availed of any. If I could go back in time and tell my 16 year old self something it would be to not be so dismissive of my feelings and that brushing them under the rug isn’t the right way to deal with them. It’s like having a fractured bone; ignoring it and pretending it’s perfectly fine isn’t going to fix it.  

I remember on my first day of Leaving Cert year thinking to myself ‘I really can’t bear the thought of having to do another year of this every day’, because my closest friends had gone to college and a lot of the time I felt quite lonely. I found it hard to motivate myself to do school work, apart from the subjects that I really enjoyed. A lot of the time I worked from home instead of going into school, because I really wasn’t happy there.

In October of my Leaving Cert year, I saw an open call online for Sky Arts Master of Photography Season 2, a photography competition in which 12 photographers from all over Europe would be chosen to compete in weekly  photography challenges, with one person being eliminated by the judges each week. I remember telling my parents I had applied, at which point my mum said to me ‘ah great, you haven’t a hope of being selected of course but it’s good you applied.’ It’s not that she was being unsupportive at all, but she was being realistic. I didn’t think that as an 18 year old Leaving Cert student I had any hope of being chosen as a finalist either.

Then, in early December, I remember sitting in Music class in school and being on my phone under the desk, when an email notification popped up: ‘Congratulations, you have been chosen as one of the 12 Master of Photography Contestants’. I think out of almost 10,000 photographers from all across Europe that applied to be on the show, I was chosen as one of the top 12.

The competition was based in Rome so on the 4th of January last year I was flown there, met the other 11 contestants, and about a week later we shot our first task. Out of the 8 tasks of the show, I made it to task number 5 of 8, which meant I was in the top 6 photographers all over Europe out of the almost 10,000 that applied and participated in the show. During those months I was in Rome I learned more about photography than I ever had before, and improved dramatically.

I came back to school in April and completed my Leaving Cert. I barely went into school at all after I came back from Rome, because I was in a pretty negative and confusing headspace trying to process everything and get back into studying, which I never properly did. When the show was aired in late May, I started to get a lot more exposure and recognition as a photographer, and ultimately this recognition that I got from the show is what made me decide that I was going to move to Dublin that August and give myself a year of trying to work professionally as a freelance photographer to see where that would take me.

Since last August I have gotten to do some amazing jobs, like working as an official photographer for Electric Picnic, give guest talks and lectures around the country to various camera clubs and colleges about my work, photograph people like World Champion Female Boxer Katie Taylor, Musicians MØ, Cupcakke and Rejjie Snow, Director of ‘Frank’ and Oscar-winning ‘Room’ Lenny Abrahamson, as well as work with ad agencies, campaigns for fashion designers, have exhibitions of my photography, and sometimes shoot some of my best friends too which is great!

But working as a young freelance photographer has been very hard. I’m lucky now after some months to be in a position where people contact me a lot to work with them, but generally for every ten emails I send out I might get one or two responses. There are periods where I have a shoot almost every day for 9 or 10 days, and then there are periods where I may not have any work for a week. There’s no such thing as routine, balance or stability. Sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed by all of the work that I have to do, and other times I struggle to motivate myself if I don’t have any work for a few days.

It was a really hard decision for me to make to not go to college, because I was worried I would miss out on ‘the college experience’ and because I was worried I wouldn’t get any work.. There’s that saying, ‘If you do something you love you’ll never feel like you’re working a day in your life’, and though I very much enjoy the work I do, it still can feel like very hard work at times. But I think it’s okay to find the work you love to do really hard sometimes, be it doing photoshoots, writing new songs or anything else creative, because if what you’re doing doesn’t involve a lot of hard work and effort at times then I don’t think you’re pushing yourself hard enough.  A quote that always pops into my head when I’m feeling low and unmotivated about my work is “If you hear a voice within you saying ‘you cannot paint’ then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” If you’re trying to convince yourself that you can’t do something and feeling anxious about it, the best thing to do, if possible, is to prove yourself wrong.

One of the hardest things for me is when I’m asked to give talks or guest lectures. I’m always absolutely terrified before I do them because when I was younger even the thought of having to speak publicly made me shake and made my chest tighten, just as I always feel incredibly nervous before I do any photography job. I still find myself feeling anxious and worried about everything that could go wrong, but what I’ve learned is that you can really channel your anxiety, stress and worry into something positive. You can use these feelings in a positive way by pushing yourself to do, and achieve, the things your brain is trying to tell you you can’t. And once I’ve finished giving a talk, or doing a shoot that I was incredibly nervous about, it’s such a great feeling of achievement.

Creativity is an incredible coping mechanism, because creating art that’s born from a feeling or experience you’ve had is a powerful way to contextualise your thoughts and emotions. I think that it’s really important to try and find an outlet, creative or otherwise, that helps you make sense of what you’re feeling, and turn those feelings into something constructive and positive. 

We’d like to thank Molly Keane for this piece about putting a positive spin on the stresses she’s faced as a freelance photographer. See more of Molly’s work here. 

If you liked this piece check out The Spotlight w/Kate Gurren

If you or anyone you know is suffering from Mental Health issues don’t be afraid to contact local services such as Donegal Family Resourse Centre 0749725337 or Let’s Talk Counselling Service 0876884953 OR National Services Aware 1800 80 48 48 or Pieta House Freecall 1800 247 247