Returning Light

I can’t help but think we are some sort of guinea pig generation. If somebody from the year 1820 was thrown into a time machine and driven forward in time to 1920 they might handle the change, however if somebody from 1920 was dropped in the middle of 2020 I can’t help but think the change would be overwhelming for them.

Surely a lot of this must be down to the breakdown of religious belief within the Christian world, drugs and the emergence of social media. Social media only surfaced in the mainstream around 2009, before that it was a trendy college young hipster dating scene type thing. But then with the outbreak of every single human seeming to own a smartphone after Christmas 2010 it became a keeping-up-with-the-Joneses-popularity-contest-type-nightmare for many people who just wanted to fit in.

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It is a strange thought that in a room of 100 people now roughly 30 of them have some strange brain malfunctions happening from time to time, some system failures and depressive anxiety. It is a relief to know you are not alone, but when you are in the throes of despair this is little comfort and also impossible to conceive. You have only ever experienced your own pain and cannot believe anyone would spin around on those same confusing dark wheels with a crippling nausea and a spiral of insane fears. The nausea moves up and down in your system, sometimes you might only get it once month, sometimes once a week, and if you are very unfortunate once an hour. When it has a grip this is my day;  I talk myself into getting out of the bed as it has to be done, I must go on, I take a shower, I get dressed, I talk myself through all these basic actions as I hope the nausea and thoughts will leave me alone, they don’t, I might force myself to eat a slice of toast, I dry wretch, I force myself to go and meet the person I promised I would meet, I fake a smile, I try to concentrate and remember how normal humans interact, just keep it together, after a few minutes a lot of the time you get lucky and you start to feel better, human interaction is vital but this person will never know about the previous one hour of hell you just experienced before you met them, it’s too embarrassing to talk about and you like to keep things lighthearted in case talking about it brings it back on! Of course some days you just cancel the meeting altogether. The client, friend or family member may be upset but never as upset and disappointed as you are with your pathetic worthless self.

I was always anxious as a child, but it seemed to go away in my teens. I grew very confident by having a talent that I had worked on a lot. Of course with my talent being music it meant standing up in front of a room full of people, so for the first 4 or 5 years I just puked before every gig , this became a norm and I thought nothing of it. Then all of a sudden I found myself on a high, starting to float when my songs started to get played on national radio, I won some songwriting competitions, I helped form a band called The Revs that had a Top 5 Album within 2 years. We were being asked to play Slane Castle. We were getting genuine praise from members of U2 in press conferences. I was in love with a glamorous TV presenter. I was in the USA. I was in Australia. We were outselling bands that we idolized growing up.

All of a sudden this was not good for my nervous system. All of a sudden we were getting slated on these new things called online forums, the room full of people became a world full of people, everyone has an opinion, they still do , judgement, judgement,  they love to tell you how your show was maybe better 2 years ago, how you have put on a bit of weight, at some gigs you get booed, some gigs you don’t get anything! All of a sudden we were no longer the next best thing , judgement, judgement, judgement,  we were just another band who had not secured a major record deal, the ego kicks in, the depression kicks in, the bitterness when another irish band gets played on radio, the anger when your new single fails to chart, you are now a misery to be around, your girlfriend leaves you. Jesus this is getting intense you need to get back on a high, you discover MDMA, aha here we go! Mixed with coke this is great, world is good again, what a brilliant year this is! A bit of weed for the comedown , not a bother. Your new single didn’t chart, doesn’t matter, you forgot you had a date with a really nice girl, doesnt’ matter! You show up in a t-shirt to your cousin’s wedding, doesn’t matter! But then wait a fucking minute: one night this pill does not feel good, take another, this feels worse, oh Jesus, parties are not fun anymore, the comedown is worse than the high, you start to feel feelings you have not felt since you were an anxious little child. You try to make alcohol your new best friend, it works sometimes, sometimes you enjoy it so much it is just MDMA again. You are in hell the next day, you go clean, you are still in hell, you have fucked up your nervous system. You need to learn how to live all over again. You are now by hook or crook “One in Three”. You are a Guinea pig. Now show your experiments to the Lab.

I learned about coping mechanisms, I was lucky to have the most understanding partner in the world, I started jogging, eating right, only a few units of alcohol per day (I try!), learning how to breathe when an attack of stress is brewing. Your life will never be the same again but you must go on. The anxiety and depression only comes from time to time now, not every single day. I don’t believe in God, but I give thanks and praise to something. This is now. I got so good at controlling fear I started releasing music again, dealing with the negative criticism. I had to go on TV and live radio, I kept taking it a step further. I opened a bar in Lanzarote with my wife Cara, the bar got closed down by the authorities, to hell with them, I opened another one! I started to buzz off how much I could push myself stress and fear wise. However I had some serious panic attacks in the months leading up to my son being born, the fear of the new fear. But I was so filled with love and joy (and so busy) once he arrived I was not affected by this since, every panic attack and bout of depression I have had since has been an after effect of alcohol, which is still something I must face up to before it gets too late.

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We’d like to thank Rory Gallagher for this powerful insight into his struggles with Mental Health in the Music Industry. 

If you liked this piece check out The Spotlight w/Niki Pollock

If you or anyone you know is suffering from Mental Health issues don’t be afraid to contact local services such as Donegal Family Resourse Centre 0749725337 or Let’s Talk Counselling Service 0876884953 OR National Services Aware 1800 80 48 48 or Pieta House Freecall 1800 247 247

Listen to The Revs and Rory & the island on Spotify